Apart from not having much time I did not really feel like writing. Or like doing anything. Since I 'moved out' I have been feeling really homesick and doubting things and decisions I have made in life so far and it feels horrible. School is fun and I am learning a lot, but at the end of the day I sometimes dread to go back to my flat, by myself, cook and clean by myself and then spend the evening by myself.. and then being alone once I wake up. I like that things are quiet but I feel lonely, except for when friends, family or my boyfriend comes over.
When I first decided to change schools during the summer, I was all excited about moving out and have an entire different life, but now it does not seem that fun at all. I've become very anxious and sometimes I don't feel like this is my life, so much has changed. I miss little things, but also the most basic thing in the world: being home. Unfortunately it is one of the things you miss the most when they're gone. that's when you discover how nice it really was, and then feel bad about not enjoying it while you had it..
Even though I called it moving out, I don't see it that way anymore. I still live at home, but because of the distance and the lack of public transport from Germany to the Netherlands, I live in that flat. I go home whenever I can, during most weekends and vacations. Unlike most people, I do not plan to go live back home fulltime after finishing school. Mainly because I'd like to live together with my boyfriend by then, but also because I wouldn't be able to find a job there and support myself. I'd have to rely on my parents again.
Did anyone have such a hard time moving away for school/college? How did you cope? And, most important; does this horrible feeling go away? Even after months? I'm really, really afraid I won't be able to feel 'home' somewhere other than my parents home. I don't even know if that's normal.
Enough about that, I'd like to tell you what I have been doing for the past few days during my vacation!
Friday was the last day of school and I went to Ahaus with my sister. We had hot chocolate and visited some shops. I really like to spend time with her.
The hot chocolate was really nice!
I didn't do much on Saturday. My boyfriend came over on Sunday, I baked a lot of things that day. We spend the entire Monday together and cooked 'Homity Pie'. It was delicious! I do have a 'before' photo but forgot to take one afterwards.. I will make this again so I'll try to think of making a picture. Here's the recipe if you're interested.
We went for a walk and it was really cold, I like to wrap my scarf around my head when I'm freezing. I'm slowly starting to wear vintage clothing again, i just love it so much. It feels so special.
The pie just before it went into the oven. It was delicious!
My mum visited a friend on tuesday and I went with her, I also did some shopping that day. I bought a cute 40s style dress and 6 pairs of thights which I desperately needed, it is so cold! Yesterday my mum, my sister and I went to a big charity shop and we bought some clothing. I love charity shops, they're really cheap. Which is nice, as I can't afford a lot of things.
Tomorrow we are planning to walk in a park where there are lots of animals, I'm really looking forward to it. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do on Saturday, I might clean a little and do some crafts, maybe some sewing. On Sunday there is a special day here in Alstatte, called 'Sandhasensonntag'. If the weater is nice enough I might be able to take some pictures and write a post about that. On Sunday evening I'll go back to my flat, and my boyfriend will be there too, which is really nice.
That is all for now!
With love,
Jip.
4 comments:
I went through the same thing at university. None of my rentals ever really felt like home despite my best efforts. I think moving away for school feels temporary since you know it will be over in a couple years, which makes it hard to feel settled in a new "home". I'm sure you will be able to get the feeling of being at home after you graduate and things feel more permanent :)
Know the feeling so well. I was also very excited to move out and felt homesick after I actually did. I think it is particularly hard if you come from a warm family & a big house where you have lots of space (think we have that in common). I kept saying I'm going home for the weekend a for a long time. This really changed only last summer since I have my own apartment. After two days at my parentsI'm actually glad to go 'home' to Amsterdam now (still miss my elderly cat and the bathtub though).
@Kate
It does veel very temporary. But I'm not going to move back home after graduating, I think. That's what makes it harder sometimes, because most people do go back, which could be something to look forward to. But if I moved back I would not be able to get a job and really work on my future. My boyfriend and I are going to look for a place to live together after the summer. We'll still be able to go home and visit friends but we'll also be together, and I think that'll feel like more of a 'home' as well.
@Birthe
I think we both have that in common. I think that once you have your own place with a kitchen and bathroom which really belongs to you it feels more like a home. I think that living with Sjoerd and getting a bigger place to live will really help. Maybe, as time passes, I'll slowly feel better without really doing anything to 'solve' the problem, which is something I always try to do.
I can't help but wonder if, maybe, at least to a degree, that the season may be playing into some of those feelings for you. During the winter we tend to hibernate and spend a lot more time indoors, so it's natural to be more aware of the fact we live alone, if such is the case and to crave both sunshine and human interaction (and of course there's always SAD, too, which strikes so many during the darker months). It's possible that as spring rolls around and these elements return to a greater degree, you begin to feel like you're more at home in your current abode.
Many hugs,
♥ Jessica
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